Just in case any of you are considering sofa surfing to save on rent. Here are a list of guidelines from an experienced sofa owner.
1. Target households that are used to sharing their living space; groups of students or shared houses are best. If you must stay with a nuclear family, ingratiate yourself with the kids. If you are staying with a couple, make sure you have the female of the house on your side whatever sex you are.
2. Never stay on the same sofa for more than three nights at a time. If you follow the rest of these rules, the sofa owners will miss you when you are not there and be pleased to see you next time you arrive. Always have two or three sofas on the go at one time. Keep one as an emergency back up.
3. Don’t arrive with one arm longer than the other. Bring food/ alcohol/recreational drugs that householders are partial to.
4. Arrive late in the evening but not after bedtime. Do not knock on a door if house is in darkness. If you feel you should phone before arriving, ask if anything is needed in the shop as you are on your way over to collect something you left there. It helps if you have actually left a notebook of important looking but not private information or some other personal but not too personal object there when you previously slept there.
5. Don’t ask can you stay – just don’t leave until they say they are going to bed – most people will offer and then think it's their idea. Never try and get into anybody’s bed unless you are invited. Sex makes the whole thing more complicated. It's best if you are celibate.
6. Make a lot of tea without being asked. Appear from the kitchen bearing toasted cheese, hot buttered brack or bowls of popcorn all round at appropriate moments. Make sure kitchen is left cleaner than it was when you went in.
7. Never use the last of the milk, toilet roll, teabags, sugar or bread. If you notice supplies running low replace them. Be ready to run to the shop/ liquor store/ chipper at any given moment.
8. Be a good listener and shoulder to cry on. Be prepared to forego sleep to sit up all night talking.
9. Be lighthearted and entertaining. Never complain about your situation. You want them to want you around. Think ‘ray of sunshine’ not ‘black cloud’.
10. Don’t talk about other sofas you have previously slept on. Refer to ‘flats you were looking at’ on occasion. Always imply you could go ‘home’ or even better you ‘should go home’ but you’ve stayed because of their delightful company. It is still important to say thank you.
11. Keep your baggage to an absolute minimum. You want to be as compact as possible. Do not litter the place with clothes. If you are supplied with a duvet, fold it and stash it behind sofa or somewhere out of the way. The idea is to make it look like you were never there.
12. If something is broken and you can fix it - do. Listen carefully for clues as to anything about the house that annoys your hostess. Do anything you can about it but remember the surprise element. You want her to be pleased you solved the problem not disappointed that you couldn’t.
13. Remember you have no TV privileges. Even if this means sitting through hours of soap operas or war movies. If there is something you really want to watch, casually mention that it’s on when someone is flicking channels.
14. Know when to hide out in bathroom. For example, when landlord, parents or exes arrive.
15. Try to look attractive and cute on the sofa. Personal hygiene must be of a high standard. No smelly socks on the coffee table or dirty underwear under the couch.
16. Try to be up and if possible have left before anyone gets up to go to work. If you must stay, have coffee made and stay out of the way (Not in the bathroom). DO NOT SPEAK IN THE MORNING UNLESS YOU ARE SPOKEN TO. Before they get up note where their keys, phone and wallet are and be ready to hand them to them just as they begin to look for them.
17. If you drive, offer lifts to work etc. Do not do this as an open offer but just at the last minute when they are almost late and you can get them there on time. This works best if you drive a motorbike and make sure you carry a spare helmet.
18. Do not still be asleep on the sofa when someone arrives home from work. If you are still in the house make sure it is clean and tidy. Have dinner ready if possible.
19. If you are invited to any parties, pubs or clubs by a third party, extend invite to the householders. You do not want to make them feel that they are subsidising your social life while they have none. If you are out and no sofa is presenting itself, call and invite target sofa owner out. If they refuse but sound pleased to hear from you offer to call up for ‘a visit’ later. Otherwise use emergency back up sofa.
20. Leave BEFORE you have outstayed your welcome. If you hear any muttering and whispering behind closed doors or receive any jibes or black looks, you have outstayed your welcome and so should leave immediately and graciously under the pretext that there is something you forgot you have to do. Retire to emergency back up sofa. Do not return to this house for at least a month then visit bearing usual gifts and leave once at a decent hour before returning and expecting to stay the night.
1. Target households that are used to sharing their living space; groups of students or shared houses are best. If you must stay with a nuclear family, ingratiate yourself with the kids. If you are staying with a couple, make sure you have the female of the house on your side whatever sex you are.
2. Never stay on the same sofa for more than three nights at a time. If you follow the rest of these rules, the sofa owners will miss you when you are not there and be pleased to see you next time you arrive. Always have two or three sofas on the go at one time. Keep one as an emergency back up.
3. Don’t arrive with one arm longer than the other. Bring food/ alcohol/recreational drugs that householders are partial to.
4. Arrive late in the evening but not after bedtime. Do not knock on a door if house is in darkness. If you feel you should phone before arriving, ask if anything is needed in the shop as you are on your way over to collect something you left there. It helps if you have actually left a notebook of important looking but not private information or some other personal but not too personal object there when you previously slept there.
5. Don’t ask can you stay – just don’t leave until they say they are going to bed – most people will offer and then think it's their idea. Never try and get into anybody’s bed unless you are invited. Sex makes the whole thing more complicated. It's best if you are celibate.
6. Make a lot of tea without being asked. Appear from the kitchen bearing toasted cheese, hot buttered brack or bowls of popcorn all round at appropriate moments. Make sure kitchen is left cleaner than it was when you went in.
7. Never use the last of the milk, toilet roll, teabags, sugar or bread. If you notice supplies running low replace them. Be ready to run to the shop/ liquor store/ chipper at any given moment.
8. Be a good listener and shoulder to cry on. Be prepared to forego sleep to sit up all night talking.
9. Be lighthearted and entertaining. Never complain about your situation. You want them to want you around. Think ‘ray of sunshine’ not ‘black cloud’.
10. Don’t talk about other sofas you have previously slept on. Refer to ‘flats you were looking at’ on occasion. Always imply you could go ‘home’ or even better you ‘should go home’ but you’ve stayed because of their delightful company. It is still important to say thank you.
11. Keep your baggage to an absolute minimum. You want to be as compact as possible. Do not litter the place with clothes. If you are supplied with a duvet, fold it and stash it behind sofa or somewhere out of the way. The idea is to make it look like you were never there.
12. If something is broken and you can fix it - do. Listen carefully for clues as to anything about the house that annoys your hostess. Do anything you can about it but remember the surprise element. You want her to be pleased you solved the problem not disappointed that you couldn’t.
13. Remember you have no TV privileges. Even if this means sitting through hours of soap operas or war movies. If there is something you really want to watch, casually mention that it’s on when someone is flicking channels.
14. Know when to hide out in bathroom. For example, when landlord, parents or exes arrive.
15. Try to look attractive and cute on the sofa. Personal hygiene must be of a high standard. No smelly socks on the coffee table or dirty underwear under the couch.
16. Try to be up and if possible have left before anyone gets up to go to work. If you must stay, have coffee made and stay out of the way (Not in the bathroom). DO NOT SPEAK IN THE MORNING UNLESS YOU ARE SPOKEN TO. Before they get up note where their keys, phone and wallet are and be ready to hand them to them just as they begin to look for them.
17. If you drive, offer lifts to work etc. Do not do this as an open offer but just at the last minute when they are almost late and you can get them there on time. This works best if you drive a motorbike and make sure you carry a spare helmet.
18. Do not still be asleep on the sofa when someone arrives home from work. If you are still in the house make sure it is clean and tidy. Have dinner ready if possible.
19. If you are invited to any parties, pubs or clubs by a third party, extend invite to the householders. You do not want to make them feel that they are subsidising your social life while they have none. If you are out and no sofa is presenting itself, call and invite target sofa owner out. If they refuse but sound pleased to hear from you offer to call up for ‘a visit’ later. Otherwise use emergency back up sofa.
20. Leave BEFORE you have outstayed your welcome. If you hear any muttering and whispering behind closed doors or receive any jibes or black looks, you have outstayed your welcome and so should leave immediately and graciously under the pretext that there is something you forgot you have to do. Retire to emergency back up sofa. Do not return to this house for at least a month then visit bearing usual gifts and leave once at a decent hour before returning and expecting to stay the night.
I like it, very useful information!! Had a sofa surfer for a week there. How about offer to change the baby's nappy without being asked? or empty the nappy bins?
ReplyDeleteOccupy older siblings and swing them ad nauseum without a single complaint.