It will happen in Time

The Time magazine cover feauring Jamie Lynne Grumet looking fantastic as she nurses her 3 year old son while he stands on a stool has caused quite a stir. I made the mistake yesterday of reading some of the comment threads. I still nurse my four and a half yr old. This is less a choice I have made than a lack of action taken to change anything but I am confident enough in my lack of action to not take any of the comments personally, despite how outrageously offensive some of them are. I thought I'd address some of the recurring ones.

'That child is too old - it's disgusting'

It is? At what age did it become disgusting then? When my child learned to sit up? When my child got his first shoes? When he learned to speak? When he learned to say 'Please can I have a little bit of milka?' At no day in my child's life has he seemed older to me than he did the day before. There is no question that my independent, articulate,  hip-hop dancing 4yr old is very different to the 8lb 6oz blonde bundle that entered the world in Sept 07 but he has a lot to deal with. He has to cope with being a little brother, going to playschool, not being able to do all the stuff his big brother can, not being allowed to play DS whenever he wants and I'm happy to calm and comfort him and help him through his frustrations. Sometimes, for him, words and cuddles aren't enough. Breastfeeding at his age is certainly not disgusting to me nor him. You should see how his eyes light up and feel how his tense little body relaxes. I've seen plenty of older children with soothers. What makes a plastic gadget designed to fulfill a childs need to suckle more acceptable than the breasts that are biologically designed to meet the same need?

'At that age it's the Mother's needs not the child's'

I no longer need to breastfeed my child. In the early days and months I did. I'd get engorged and physically uncomfortable if I went too long without breastfeeding. That stopped happening two years ago. I no longer get the blissful, cuddly nursing sessions with a child staring lovingly in my eyes. I no longer get to feel him relax in my arms as he literally drops off to sleep. I've almost forgotten what a letdown feels like. It's a supply and demand system and if the demand is only for one minute every few days then there's only enough there to meet that. I get no pleasure from nursing my child now other than the knowledge that I can give him a safe, comfortable feeling when he needs it. He needs it less and less as the weeks go by. Sure, this is bitter sweet for me but I don't want to keep him a baby. I'm happy to watch him grow up and offer him encouragement and support to do that. It wouldn't be possible to keep him small even if I did want to.

'That child should be eating real food'

I would be very surprised if he isn't. My son certainly happily helps himself to family meals, snacks and treats. He has done for years.  He drinks water and the occasional juice. He has a normal, balanced, relatively healthy diet.  What he doesn't need is anything with the label 'supports your child's immune system' because you know what? He gets that support from me.

'That child will be bullied when he's older'

This one very well may be true. He may get bullied because he wears the wrong brand of trainers. He may be bullied because he has the wrong haircut or he may be bullied because he appeared on the cover of Time magazine breastfeeding at the age of three. There's not much we can do about the first two but if by the time he is a teenager it is acceptable and even normal to breastfeed children until they outgrow the need, he will be a lot less likely to be teased about that. With any luck this Time article will inspire many mothers not to do anything about weaning and let it happen by itself as it inevitably will when the child is ready.

Even if this doesn't happen, I doubt it will be something he'll be too embarrased by. Jamie Lynne seems like an articulate, empathic mother who was breastfed herself till she was six. She is not embarrassed by it, why would he be? As she says 'People have to realise this is biologically normal'. The Attachment Parenting philosophy tends to breed very secure, independent, confident children who have no problem standing up for themselves and are willing to talk about issues with their parents. I'd have every confidence that this family will deal very well with that bridge when or if they come to it.

'Nobody wants to see this.'

Yes, they do. I do. I want to see more and more pictures like this. I want to see more pictures of children being breastfed. I want it to become normalised because guess what? It is normal. I struggle with the fact that my children, neither of whom ever had a bottle, still associate bottles with the feeding of an infant. I want every mother to feel comfortable meeting their child's needs in however or whereever they are needed to do so. If you don't want to see it, don't look.

'They shouldn't have picked someone who could be a model.'

Why not? Jamie Lynn looks good. She has breastfed for years and her breasts are still pert. She's slim and healthy looking. She is wearing simple highstreet clothes. She is confident enough to appear on the cover of Time magazine. Sure, we don't all look like her and there shouldn't be pressure on us to do so but she looks like a good ad for breastfeeding to me.

'They should have picked a more natural pose'

They could have. Some of the other pictures within the magazine are nicer, cuddly poses like this one. They chose the one they did because they wanted to startle. They are a publication after all and this picture certainly got a lot of people talking. I asked my son what he thought of the picture. 'Oh I never tried that, standing on a chair with boots drinking your milka' He then tried it on a low table for a second or two and concluded 'They should've lied down on a sofa.' He has previously nursed standing up many times just before he or I walk out the door. I awkwardly leaned over to him. We just never thought of a stool.

'The headline pits mothers against each other.'

I agree. I dislike the headline immensly. Every mother's choices are valid. Again though, the magazine wanted to startle and I'd just hope that the 'mommywars' are so old and tired now that we can be mature enough not to allow a magazine pitch us into yet another henfight while they laugh all the way to the bank.

There were two more negative comments that recurringly came up but I don't want those search terms used to find this blog. Suffice to say, you see more skin and suggestiveness on a Friday night in the city let alone on the cover of any other magazine and what I consider 'abuse' is the neglecting of a child's needs not the meeting of them.

I believe it's a good time to have this discussion, get over it and as a society be more accepting of people's choices in how they parent their children. Nobody is telling anyone they have to breastfeed their children until they naturally wean but let's not try and tell those of us that choose to follow our instinct to do that that we shouldn't.



Note: Much of how I parent my children is based on my instinct. This is something I have had to learn to trust after reading too much misinformation from 'parenting experts' and listening to too much misinformed advice in my early years of parenting. In case you don't think my instinct is to be trusted here's some science to back it up.http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html