Leaving them to it.

There are not many moments in the day when the kids are both happily distracted by their toys to the extent I feel I can sneak into the kitchen and perhaps wash dishes or prepare dinner, alone. I grab these when I can. Lately, though, I've noticed an unfortunate pattern where two minutes after I've left the room I either hear shouts of 'Ow ow ow' from the little one or 'He wants the car I'm driving from the elder.' The cries of pain from the little one rarely have anything to do with any injury that has been inflicted on him. He simply uses this expression as a cry of what he sees as injustice and perhaps because he thinks it will get me to get his brother to give him what he wants.

So what's the best course of action? I spent a long time teaching bigger brother to try trading another car with little brother. This no longer cuts it. Little one will simply take offered car and fling it across the room. He still wants the same one his older brother wants. The easiest thing for me to do is try to reason with the more reasonable one. "Please, let him have the car for a little while, then you can take a turn." If he goes for it, which he rarely does, it buys me back my time out although it makes me feel like I've been unfair and fear I'm breeding resentment. Alternatively, I could take the car away and tell them to sort out who gets the car between them and then come back to me and tell me what they've decided. This might work better in a few years but at the moment the little one wants what he wants right now with no room for discussion and it is unfair on the elder one who was happily playing with his car until his little brother demanded he give it up. I've tried explaining to elder one. 'Your little brother just wants what you have because he thinks you're cool and wants to be just like you. If you play with a different car for a while he'll want that one and you can get the old one back.' Unfortunately, at nearly 4, the elder one is still a baby too and has only just learned the concept of sharing and hasn't quite made up his mind about it yet.

Yesterday, I chose a course of inaction. I stayed in the kitchen and listened to make sure no one was being hurt. The first time the bigger one got to keep the car. The little one cried and when I didn't come, came into the kitchen and pretended to fall on the ground where he continued to cry until I picked him up, and he was distracted by the water in the sink. The only dishes that got washed after that were the wooden spoon and plastic bowls I gave him to play with. The second similar incident had a different outcome. This time little one won the prize car. I heard my eldest son telling him, 'You can have it, I'm going to play with this cooler one'.... and then nothing but car driving sounds. I asked my elder one later about it and he said. 'I tricked him. I didn't really want the one I said I wanted and it hurts my ears when he cries. Wasn't that good?'