I understand your problem, Ma'am

Having had quite a few customer service experiences over the last few weeks, I came to wonder why is it that sometimes I get off the phone and feel like throwing it against a wall and other times feel quite satisfied that my problem hasn't been sorted out. These are my theories about what makes me mad.

1. If I am on hold for more than two minutes before my call is answered. Already the tension is building.
2. If I have to listen to more than 4 options before I make a choice I have forgotten the first two before I hear the fifth. I am now feeling flustered as well as tense.
   
3. If, after I choose an option, I am then given another list to choose from I am starting to yearn for a human voice. At this stage I need to be listened to. If I get someone soon I may not actually explode.
4. If, after several menus and options and choices, I am then told 'I hope this information has been helpful. Thank you for your call.' and hung up on by a non-human I haven't even yet been rude to, steam starts to come from my ears.
5. I will also begin to fume even if I haven't been hung up on if I am put on hold for more than two minutes after the repeated menu, option, choice torture.

So here I am tense and fuming and I haven't even explained my problem yet. I have not spoken to a human being but I am ready to bite the head off the poor underpaid unfortunate in whatever country they may be in who is destined to eventually answer my call.

TIP: Regardless of my problem, if any of the above happens to what I consider an unreasonable extent. I hang up, redial and follow the options for sales. Almost guaranteed to at least be nicer to you than customer service and chances are they can put you straight through to whoever you need to deal with.

The rest of the irritation occurs after I actually get through to a customer service agent. These are my top 5 gripes.

1. If the agent is insincere. Why say, 'I understand your problem, ma'am.' when it is quite clear that there is absolutely nothing you are prepared to do about it. May as well say 'Tough cheese, you should have read the small print.'
   
2. If the agent doesn't appear to be trying to help. I don't want someone typing my 8 digit account code into a computer (why are their systems always so slow too?) and then getting me to verify (all) my details just to have information I already know repeated to me. I know what that bill says, I have it in my hand, that's where I got my 8 digit number. It is because of this bill that I am ringing.
3. If the agent says that they will call back in a few minutes. I expect them to call back in a few minutes. In half an hour I have to drive. I have spent enough time on this call. I have a life. I do not want to be hanging around waiting for a call that may never come like a lovesick teenager. Furthermore, I picked now to make this call after carefully selecting entertainment for my children which will have will only keep them occupied for another ten minutes. During the ads I will be expected to get drinks/food/build a fire station out of lego. I will not be available to take calls indefinitely.
4. If I come up with three or more possible ways the agent can help solve my problem, stop finding reasons not to. Work with me. I am a customer, I am tired, frustrated and yet still trying to do your job for you. Listen to me, I am telling you ways to make me happy, at least meet me half way. I waited a long time to speak to a human being. have some humanity.
5. Do NOT say: 'Is there anything else I can help you with?' if you have not done anything to make me feel better or solve my initial problem. Why would I ask you even if I did have another problem? You obviously have no say in how these things are run. You do not see tings on a case by case basis. Help me with my reason for calling. If you can't - apologize and get lost.

I did have one customer service experience lately which made me see that it really is how they speak to me that effects my mood. This guy answered the phone on third ring with no menus or options. He obviously knew nothing about the item I had left in to be repaired. I gave him my receipt number. He got me to describe the person I left it with as I had no signature and he said he would call back in a few minutes. He called back in 4 minutes. My repair had obviously not even been started and had I not rung may never have been seen again. He apologized, blaming no one and told me he'd have it next week. This did not make me angry. I felt for his embarrassment. I did not demand a discount. I appreciated his honesty and I cut him some slack. I was disappointed but not angry. I got off the phone happy and got on with my life.

In my personal experience the absolute worst customer service offenders are always communications companies. You would think they should be able to communicate.