Emigration Diary: First Steps

Originally written for ramp.ie as part of the Emigration Diary series

Well, we got here. After an uneventful flight, we hung around in US immigration for a couple of hours, signed here, fingerprinted there and with a ‘Welcome to the United States’ we were sent out into the heat with two overtired, overexcited children and minus one suitcase.
The first weekend was passed catching up with family, splashing around in the pool, unpacking, organising and figuring out what we have to do to get social security numbers, enrol the kids in school, get phones, driving licenses and set up bank accounts. On Monday morning, I gathered the necessary documents and we found our way to our local social security office just to be told that we would have to be in the country for ten days before we could apply for our numbers which we need to do all of the other things. Oh bureaucracy, must you follow me everywhere?
I came home a little bit discombobulated and automatically picked up the phone when it rang. It took me a while to figure out that the earnest young man on the line talking about preplanning was desperately trying to convince me to buy cemetery plots for myself and my husband. We only just got here! I told him it really wasn’t a good time for me to plan my funeral that morning. He didn’t even let it go there. I think he’s going to call me back after Labour Day. Note to self: screen all calls.

So enforced vacation it is for a little while. The weather has been a bit changeable but the kids are in the pool most days regardless. We even got to the beach one day. George found a list of house maintenance tasks to be getting on with before he starts works next week. I’ve been trying to establish some kind of routine and collecting loyalty store cards. I have four already!

On Tuesday, I took the kids grocery shopping and let them pick out some store cupboard snacks from the unfamiliar brands. This involved driving the giant automatic car on the wrong side of the road and finding my way to the grocery store. Out of force of habit, I took shopping bags with me. I didn’t know it at the time but each bag you reuse gets you a 5c discount on your bill here. Even so, still not many people recycle them and plastic bags are peeled off the roll by the dozen. I felt quite smug as the cashier counted my bags to ring up my discount but pride soon turned to shame when I realised all of the bags my kids were stuffing with non-nutritious food were emblazoned with the label Bottle Bargains and had come from the local liquor store. There goes my good mom image right out the window, and we’re not even here a week.

Applying for jobs here is interesting. It’s not as simple as just emailing off a resume. Each position requires a carefully tailored cover letter and often a lengthy application form as well as a resume. It takes hours. I am delighted that there are so many interesting things to apply for though. Luckily George is set up with something already. He starts this week, while I get on with enrolling the kids in school and finding my way about.

It’s still very early days here and feels more like another holiday in my mom’s house than the beginning of a new life but we’re settling in slowly but surely and as I empty and put away the suitcases it’s starting to become real that this time we’re not going back.

I understand your problem, Ma'am

Having had quite a few customer service experiences over the last few weeks, I came to wonder why is it that sometimes I get off the phone and feel like throwing it against a wall and other times feel quite satisfied that my problem hasn't been sorted out. These are my theories about what makes me mad.

1. If I am on hold for more than two minutes before my call is answered. Already the tension is building.
2. If I have to listen to more than 4 options before I make a choice I have forgotten the first two before I hear the fifth. I am now feeling flustered as well as tense.
   
3. If, after I choose an option, I am then given another list to choose from I am starting to yearn for a human voice. At this stage I need to be listened to. If I get someone soon I may not actually explode.
4. If, after several menus and options and choices, I am then told 'I hope this information has been helpful. Thank you for your call.' and hung up on by a non-human I haven't even yet been rude to, steam starts to come from my ears.
5. I will also begin to fume even if I haven't been hung up on if I am put on hold for more than two minutes after the repeated menu, option, choice torture.

So here I am tense and fuming and I haven't even explained my problem yet. I have not spoken to a human being but I am ready to bite the head off the poor underpaid unfortunate in whatever country they may be in who is destined to eventually answer my call.

TIP: Regardless of my problem, if any of the above happens to what I consider an unreasonable extent. I hang up, redial and follow the options for sales. Almost guaranteed to at least be nicer to you than customer service and chances are they can put you straight through to whoever you need to deal with.

The rest of the irritation occurs after I actually get through to a customer service agent. These are my top 5 gripes.

1. If the agent is insincere. Why say, 'I understand your problem, ma'am.' when it is quite clear that there is absolutely nothing you are prepared to do about it. May as well say 'Tough cheese, you should have read the small print.'
   
2. If the agent doesn't appear to be trying to help. I don't want someone typing my 8 digit account code into a computer (why are their systems always so slow too?) and then getting me to verify (all) my details just to have information I already know repeated to me. I know what that bill says, I have it in my hand, that's where I got my 8 digit number. It is because of this bill that I am ringing.
3. If the agent says that they will call back in a few minutes. I expect them to call back in a few minutes. In half an hour I have to drive. I have spent enough time on this call. I have a life. I do not want to be hanging around waiting for a call that may never come like a lovesick teenager. Furthermore, I picked now to make this call after carefully selecting entertainment for my children which will have will only keep them occupied for another ten minutes. During the ads I will be expected to get drinks/food/build a fire station out of lego. I will not be available to take calls indefinitely.
4. If I come up with three or more possible ways the agent can help solve my problem, stop finding reasons not to. Work with me. I am a customer, I am tired, frustrated and yet still trying to do your job for you. Listen to me, I am telling you ways to make me happy, at least meet me half way. I waited a long time to speak to a human being. have some humanity.
5. Do NOT say: 'Is there anything else I can help you with?' if you have not done anything to make me feel better or solve my initial problem. Why would I ask you even if I did have another problem? You obviously have no say in how these things are run. You do not see tings on a case by case basis. Help me with my reason for calling. If you can't - apologize and get lost.

I did have one customer service experience lately which made me see that it really is how they speak to me that effects my mood. This guy answered the phone on third ring with no menus or options. He obviously knew nothing about the item I had left in to be repaired. I gave him my receipt number. He got me to describe the person I left it with as I had no signature and he said he would call back in a few minutes. He called back in 4 minutes. My repair had obviously not even been started and had I not rung may never have been seen again. He apologized, blaming no one and told me he'd have it next week. This did not make me angry. I felt for his embarrassment. I did not demand a discount. I appreciated his honesty and I cut him some slack. I was disappointed but not angry. I got off the phone happy and got on with my life.

In my personal experience the absolute worst customer service offenders are always communications companies. You would think they should be able to communicate.